Dear Joshua...

Today you are a year old! One year ago today, we met. How is it possible that you're already a year old? One year. 365 days. On the one hand, I think it seems completely impossible that it's only been 365 days because it feels like it's been so much longer than that. I feel like I've always known you. Like there has never been a moment when I couldn't picture your sweet face in my mind. On the other hand, it feels like a year couldn't possibly be enough to hold everything that's happened. Wasn't it just last month that we held you for the first time?

My heart will always remember holding you that first time, my little bug. I was tired and feeling a little wobbly and shaky and then they handed you to me. You didn't cry or wail, you just fussed a little bit and looked around. I remember looking at you and thinking that of course this was you! I knew you already. And I remember looking at your daddy and thinking, "oh my...look what we did!". I remember watching your daddy hold you for the first time. Like he was holding glass. The look on his face was priceless. He was awestruck...and totally in love. I remember asking over and over and over (echo, echo, echo...) how much you weighed. I remember hearing your little cries that sounded like a kitten. I don't remember many other specifics, but I remember feeling peaceful. And so full of joy.

You have been through so much in your first year, my son. Hospitalization (twice), moving (twice), therapy, testing...the list goes on and on! The day you were diagnosed with CMV and then admitted to the hospital was the worst day of my life. I don't think I have ever cried so hard or so long or been in so much pain. Leaving you in the hospital that first night, I thought my heart was going to stop beating. But as Psalm 30:5 says, "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.". Holding you the next morning was so, so sweet. You showed us during that hospital stay what a tough little boy you are. Going through surgery and blood draws and poking and prodding...you did so much better than mommy would've done! Both daddy and I were so proud of you.
Over the past year I've watched your personality develop, and it has been wonderful to witness. The best word to describe you is 'sweet'. You radiate a sweet spirit and disposition. Oh, you have a temper too, but that only rears it's head once in a while. You love to smile at people, and it's your smile that charms them. I hear tell that your father had the same charm when he was a baby. :)

Speaking of your daddy, let's just talk about how much you love him. Oh my, now there's something to behold! Watching you with your daddy makes my heart melt. There is something so special about the way you look at him. He has always been able to calm you down, put you to sleep, make you laugh...but in the past few months you have really started to watch everything he does. You watch everything that he does, listens to everything that he says, and watch him wherever he goes. Those are some big shoes (or hat as the case may be...) to fill, my son, but I know you can do it.
I'm so thankful that daddy works so hard so that I can stay home with you. I love getting you out of your crib after a nap. You cuddle up and squeeze me, like you've missed me over the little while you've been sleeping. I love getting you out of your car seat after we've been out. You smile everytime I open the door. I love watching you figure out a puzzle or learn a new skill - you suck on your tounge when you're really concentrating. I love seeing things through your eyes. You're amazed with cars going up and down the street. You love to watch the branches of the trees in our yard sway in the wind. You are completely entranced watching street lights (or any light at all really). And you love, love, love being outside. It could be raining, snowing, cloudy or sunny, but as long as you can feel the wind on your face, you are happy. When you are happy, life is good. And you're happy often.
There is so much more that I could say to you on this day, little one, but for now, I will leave it at this. Your presence in my life has made it better than I ever thought possible. You are a miracle and an answer to my prayers. Happy First Birthday, Joshua!
Love,
mama