Dear Joshua...

Today you are a year old! One year ago today, we met. How is it possible that you're already a year old? One year. 365 days. On the one hand, I think it seems completely impossible that it's only been 365 days because it feels like it's been so much longer than that. I feel like I've always known you. Like there has never been a moment when I couldn't picture your sweet face in my mind. On the other hand, it feels like a year couldn't possibly be enough to hold everything that's happened. Wasn't it just last month that we held you for the first time?

My heart will always remember holding you that first time, my little bug. I was tired and feeling a little wobbly and shaky and then they handed you to me. You didn't cry or wail, you just fussed a little bit and looked around. I remember looking at you and thinking that of course this was you! I knew you already. And I remember looking at your daddy and thinking, "oh my...look what we did!". I remember watching your daddy hold you for the first time. Like he was holding glass. The look on his face was priceless. He was awestruck...and totally in love. I remember asking over and over and over (echo, echo, echo...) how much you weighed. I remember hearing your little cries that sounded like a kitten. I don't remember many other specifics, but I remember feeling peaceful. And so full of joy.

You have been through so much in your first year, my son. Hospitalization (twice), moving (twice), therapy, testing...the list goes on and on! The day you were diagnosed with CMV and then admitted to the hospital was the worst day of my life. I don't think I have ever cried so hard or so long or been in so much pain. Leaving you in the hospital that first night, I thought my heart was going to stop beating. But as Psalm 30:5 says, "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.". Holding you the next morning was so, so sweet. You showed us during that hospital stay what a tough little boy you are. Going through surgery and blood draws and poking and prodding...you did so much better than mommy would've done! Both daddy and I were so proud of you.
Over the past year I've watched your personality develop, and it has been wonderful to witness. The best word to describe you is 'sweet'. You radiate a sweet spirit and disposition. Oh, you have a temper too, but that only rears it's head once in a while. You love to smile at people, and it's your smile that charms them. I hear tell that your father had the same charm when he was a baby. :)

Speaking of your daddy, let's just talk about how much you love him. Oh my, now there's something to behold! Watching you with your daddy makes my heart melt. There is something so special about the way you look at him. He has always been able to calm you down, put you to sleep, make you laugh...but in the past few months you have really started to watch everything he does. You watch everything that he does, listens to everything that he says, and watch him wherever he goes. Those are some big shoes (or hat as the case may be...) to fill, my son, but I know you can do it.
I'm so thankful that daddy works so hard so that I can stay home with you. I love getting you out of your crib after a nap. You cuddle up and squeeze me, like you've missed me over the little while you've been sleeping. I love getting you out of your car seat after we've been out. You smile everytime I open the door. I love watching you figure out a puzzle or learn a new skill - you suck on your tounge when you're really concentrating. I love seeing things through your eyes. You're amazed with cars going up and down the street. You love to watch the branches of the trees in our yard sway in the wind. You are completely entranced watching street lights (or any light at all really). And you love, love, love being outside. It could be raining, snowing, cloudy or sunny, but as long as you can feel the wind on your face, you are happy. When you are happy, life is good. And you're happy often.
There is so much more that I could say to you on this day, little one, but for now, I will leave it at this. Your presence in my life has made it better than I ever thought possible. You are a miracle and an answer to my prayers. Happy First Birthday, Joshua!
Love,
mama

Updates, Updates, And More Updates!

Oh my it's been a long time since I've updated. So sorry! We had been traveling for Wegmans, then Joshua was sick, then I was sick, then Joshua was sick, then I was sick...do you see a pattern forming here? :) So here's a very brief update on what's been going on with Josh.

The last time I updated, we were just about to travel down to Virginia. That trip went well (except for Joshua not sleeping at. all. each. night.) and it was wonderful to see our friends. While Ben spent his days on the job site, Joshua and I spent the time with Kristen, Savannah, Niki, Tristan & Ethan. I was enjoying the time we had together too much to actually take pictures though!

The week after we came back from VA, we were off to PA for another site visit. This time we stayed a little longer and got to see more of our friends. We got to catch up with the Nadelhoffers, and Matthewand Nataliewere a source of nonstop entertainment for Joshua (who was a little cranky since he was not sleeping at. all. each. night) and there were even some kisses thrown in toward the end. We also got to spend some time with my friend, Erin, and her new baby, Evan. I moved to PA with Erin after college, so I guess in a way, it's because of her that I have my husband and my beautiful little boy! Yay for Erin! :) Evan slept the whole time we were there with Erin, but we got to hold him most of the time and it was so hard to let him go! Holding Evan brought back so many memories of when Joshua was that little (and light!) and both Ben and I left the house thinking that maybe another baby in the near future wouldn't be that bad. Then we slapped ourselves and got back to reality. :) Joshua had a great time with Erin. He was held and loved on and he even got to inspect Erin's ring. He decided that everything was in order and we headed off to our next visit. :) We spent Friday night with our friends, Tori and Jay, and their son, Max. Max is a ham. The hammiest ham there ever was. He is a complete riot. Ben, Joshua and I met Tori and Max at Valley Forge Park for a quick walk before dinner. It was a beautiful day and perfect for walking with the kids. Saturday morning we were up early (because Joshua hadn't slept at. all. all. night.) and headed for home. It was wonderful seeing our friends, but it was wonderful to get home and relax as well. Joshua drove for a little while on the way home because daddy and mommy were sooo tired (because Joshua did. not. sleep.). Just kidding...we were in a rest stop. But I love that picture!

On March 12, we had an appointment with the developmental pediatrician again. They formally diagnosed Joshua with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy. This is a good thing. We knew it was coming, we knew that it would happen. Having a formal diagnosis for him gives us the opportunity to get whatever services we need because of that diagnosis. I was surprised that I didn't feel sad or depressed because of the diagnosis. I realized it was because they are just words. Words do not change how I view my son. Spastic quad CP does not change who Joshua is or what he can do. It just gives us more opportunity to get him help and help him function at the highest capacity he can.
While we're on the topic of diagnoses, I wanted to update you on what is going on with my brother-in-law, Jay. Jodi and Jay saw a specialist at UNC on Monday. The specialist feels that Jay does have multiple sclerosis and they are now beginning treatment for MS. As shocking as it is to get this diagnosis, both Jodi and Jay are holding up quite well. They have decided to reinlist in the Army, and Jay's unit is making accomodations for him so that he can stay with them. What this means for their future is anyone's guess, but I know that they'll handle it together and roll with the punches. So just continue to pray for them. But just like Joshua, the diagnosis is just words. It doesn't change who Jay is or what he can do.

Ok...can I be honest for a minute? As I've said multiple times on this blog, we don't know why God allows the things he allows. We don't know the reason behind so many things, but when we can look back at the event that have shaped our lives, we see the reason. When I moved to PA with Erin in 2001, I was in a pretty miserable place in my life. I loved living with Erin, but I was lonely and searching for something. I thought about moving back home, but it never worked out. Then I met Ben. And I saw why I was in PA. So back to the part about me being honest...I believe that God will use Jay's MS to help Joshua. Or maybe God is going to use Joshua's CP to help Jay. I believe that Joshua and his Tio Jay are going to have a very special bond. Oh, they'll love each other because they are related and all that...but they are going to understand each other like no one else will understand them. They will understand how frustrating it can be when your body just won't do what you want it to do. And honestly, I'm glad Joshua will have someone to understand. And I'm glad that Joshua will have someone to look up to and know that if Tio can do it, so can he. That nothing is impossible once you put your mind to it. And I'm glad that Jay will have that in Joshua as well.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Call To Prayer...

This post isn't about Joshua...wait! Don't stop reading! Sheesh...you Joshua followers are hardcore. I'll post some pictures at the end to entice you to keep reading. Will that work? Good. :)

So as I was saying, this post isn't about Joshua. It's a request for you to pray. Joshua's Tio Jay and Auntie Jodi need some serious support and love and I know that even though many of you don't know them personally, you will pray for them like you did for Joshua. Jay came back from Afghanistan in January after developing Bell's Palsy while he was there. Once he got back, things started to get much, much worse and he was diagnosed with ADEM. ADEM mimics the symptoms of multiple sclerosis, but is a one time event. Following the treatment for ADEM, he was treated with steriods and seemed to get better. Since then, he's gotten worse and gotten better a few times, but this time the doctors are now saying that they believe that the ADEM kickstarted true MS. So now they believe that Jay has MS. This is a devistating diagnosis for him. Of course there is always the possibility that the doctors are wrong and it's something else entirely, but it doesn't look promising. So our request is that you pray for Jay and Jodi.

Jodi and Jay, while I was writing this, I remembered my feelings as I wrote to tell everyone about Joshua's diagnosis. Here's what I said,

"...we know that our God is bigger than we could ever imagine and that He can heal Joshua with a word if it is His will. If it isn't in His will to heal our son completely, He will give us the means to deal with it. We know that He loves Joshua even more than we do (which is so hard to imagine!), and we trust that His plan is perfect and that before Joshua was even a thought God knew that we would face this and has given us the experience and the strength to deal with it. NOTHING happens without God's permission and this is no exception. We don't understand why it's happening to our baby, but we have no doubt that there is a reason and that God is in control."

We feel the same way now as we hear Jay's diagnosis. We don't know why this is happening to you or how it will turn out, but we know that God is with you as He was with us while we were dealing with a devistating diagnosis. While it may not help you as much as it helped me, I'm going to share with you my 'encouragement' songs. The first song always seemed to come on the radio when I was on my way to see Joshua in the hospital. I sang it everyday. It still always seems to come on when I'm having an especially hard day. Jo & Jay, we love you. I wish we could be closer so that we could help you more. For now, just know that our love is with you and, more importantly, so are our prayers.

As promised, here are the pictures for you Joshua fans. Thanks for sticking with me till the end. :)