I got an awesome, encouraging card today in the mail from Joshua's "Auntie" Diana. And when I thanked her for it, she said, "now do I get my Joshua pictures?" :) How could I refuse? So rather than write out a whole post, I'm just going to give you a bunch of pictures. Enjoy!
This is our friend's daughter. Looks like a future match to me! My favorite guys watching NASCAR...
We took Josh out to visit Grandma and Grandpa last weekend. They were doing some work in their yard, so Joshua got to play with the earthmovers!!! He was in heaven!
This one is just because I think it's funny...this is what happens after a long, hard therapy session! We've been trying to introduce new textures to Joshua. So one night, over a spaghetti dinner, Ben suggested we give some to Josh. Most of it ended up on the walls and floor, but Joshua had a great time flinging it!
And to finish it up, these are some of my favorite pictures from the last month...
I haven't been writing or posting lately and apparently people are starting to notice. And by people, I mean my sisters and Joshua's honorary auntie. A certain honorary auntie totally called me out on Facebook for not posting! And a few weeks ago, my sister told me that I was a terrible blogger because I don't post often anymore. *sigh*
The real reason I haven't been writing lately though isn't because I don't have cute pictures of Joshua to show you or wonderful things to tell you....it's because whenever I started writing a post it ended up coming out like this...
"Aaaahhhhhh! What in the world am I doing? What are we going to do with another one?!"
...and that's all I can think to say so I end up crying. So rather than swearing off blogging for the next many months, I'm just going to get it out. And it won't be pretty. It's taken me three weeks to write this post, I've stopped and started again so many times. But I think it's something I'm just going to have to get out, so if you're just here for the pictures, better come back another day, because this post is going to be heavy and there aren't any pictures!
This pregnancy has been difficult for me. Not only because I wasn't feeling well for so long, but because it has wrecked me emotionally. I feel like I'm betraying Joshua. And at the same time, I feel like I'm betraying our second son. I was so excited about Joshua. Every move, every wiggle, everytime I got to hear his heartbeat I was on top of the world. I blogged about every appointment, every milestone, everything. With this baby, I haven't even formally blogged about the fact that he's a boy! And after wondering if we would ever have one child and then being blessed with Joshua, you would think that to be blessed with a second child, a second son!, would thrill me. But I'm seriously starting to panic. I panicked when I found out I was pregnant with this baby, and I haven't stopped panicking yet. I've had moments when I get excited about the new baby, but those are fleeting. For the most part, I'm terrified.
How am I going to do this? How am I going to handle a newborn and a two and a half year old who moves like a six month old but thinks like a two year old? How am I going to go grocery shopping? How am I going to get them into the car? How am I going to get them out of the car? How am I going to be able to handle therapy four days a week and get up during the night to nurse? How am I going to be able to do therapy 'homework' with Joshua to make sure he is still progressing when I have to rock, nurse & hold another little boy? How am I going to handle two children who get sick? How am I going to make it to all of Joshua's specialist appointments to check on braces and splints? How am I going to give Joshua all the attention he needs and deserves and still keep this other baby alive? How am I going to give the new baby all the attention he needs and deserves and still make Joshua feel included? How am I going to be able to explain to Joshua why mommy and daddy are too tired to play? Or why he has to wait so I can feed his brother? Is Joshua going to be able to understand that this little squalling thing is here to stay? Is he going to understand why he has to share the spotlight? Is Joshua going to feel left out or resentful? Am I going to resent this new baby for doing things and progressing at a rate Joshua can't? Is the new baby going to be able to understand why Josh needs more help and attention sometimes? Is Joshua going to be able to sleep at night through the crying? What if our new baby has an impatient personality and won't wait to eat or be held? What if the new baby has colic and just cries? I'll stop there, but the questions don't. They never stop.
I thought I had made peace with Joshua's diagnosis. I thought I had come to terms with what his future looks like. And now I find myself awake at night with one thought...what if it happens again? I know, KNOW, that a primary infection of CMV impacts pregnancy, and the chances of having a second child with CMV are so slim it's almost like there's no chance. Plenty of other CMV mommies have gone on to have beautiful, healthy, typically developing children. But what if I don't? I feel like I can't quite let myself love this baby just yet because I could be gearing up for war all over again.
And truthfully, as scary as having a second child with issues is, the prospect of having a typically developing child is just as daunting as thinking about having a second child with special needs. My heart is going to break when Joshua sees his brother doing things with ease that he struggles to do. It is going to kill me to tell Josh that he can't be on the same t-ball team as his brother because of his disability. I want to watch my boys play together, not watch as one of them breezes through challenges and the other struggles with what should be an easy task. Am I going to have to watch our youngest learn to pull up and walk when his older brother has been trying to lean that very task for months or even years?
And yet, I can't stop myself from getting excited when I hear the baby's heartbeat at the doctors office or when he kicks and rolls around inside of me. I can't help but look at the ultrasound pictures on my fridge and wonder about him. What will he be when he grows up? What similarities will he share with his brother? Will he look similar? Will he have Joshua's easy smile and giggle? Will they share that wonderful laid back personality that is such a blessing to us? Whether I thought I was ready or not, whether Ben is ready or not, whether Joshua is ready or not, this baby is going to change our lives. And I think I'm learning to let go of the questions and the fears and just be open to that change. I'm halfway there.
So without making you wait any longer, let me introduce our son to you! This is Caleb...
His name means "brave, bold and faithful" and we decided that it will be a perfect blessing for him. We pray that he will grow up brave and bold, and that he will be a faithful friend and brother and support for Joshua.
There. It's out. And I'm sure it's not the end of my doubts or fears, I'll do my best to keep blogging. I'll post more later this week...with more pictures! I forgot my camera at my sister in law's house yesterday and I can't even show you the wonderful pictures I took yesterday. But they're worth the wait. :)
Today is your second birthday. Two full trips around the sun! The fact that we've had you for two full years just astounds me...it just doesn't seem possible. Two years has never before been so wonderful, so heartbreaking, so magical, so frustrating, so tiring, so filled with happy tears, so filled with tears of sadness, so filled with so much joy.
You've changed so much in the past 12 months! You've gone from a chubby little baby who weighed in at 18 lbs...
to a little boy who weighs 25 lbs and is 32 inches tall! Your tastes and preferences are really starting to show through, Josh. You'll almost always choose red over any other color, you prefer to hold hands in a certain way when we walk, you prefer certain books over all the others. You aren't really interested in the TV, but when there is a Monster Jam truck show or NASCAR race on, you are glued to it. And do I even need to go into how much you love Disney's 'Cars'? I'll just leave it at this..."Lightning" was one of your first words this year! You love cars. Any piece of metal with a motor, any make, any model (although you prefer trucks, school buses, and race/vintage cars), gets your motor running. Just hearing the sound of an engine makes you clap and giggle. The most exciting part of your day is after naptime when you get up and we watch for daddy out the window. You watch all the cars going by and scream when you see one you like. The biggest reaction comes when you finally see daddy. You can identify his truck (I'm still not sure how) before it even gets to the driveway! For you, daddy is more important than Lightning, Mater, and all the schoolbuses in the world. In the past year, you have learned some amazing things. You have learned sign language, learned to say a few words (still no mama though!), learned to belly-crawl to get the things you want that are out of your reach, learned to try out different textures of food, learned to splash in the bathtub, learned to sit (almost) independently,learned to walk with the help of some equipment, learned what the word 'gentle' means (sort of), learned how to shake your head 'yes' and 'no' to get what you want, learned to identify facial features (ears are your favorite right now). You've also learned that your smile and charm will sometimes get you out of doing something you don't want to do. Coincidentally, it's your charm that is one of the elements of your personality that you use the most often. You charm everyone you meet. You love to meet new people and play peek-a-boo with them. Your personality is growing and changing and developing and it's wonderful to witness. You are spunky and smart, you have quite the temper, but you go right back to smiling just as fast as you got frustrated. Your laugh comes easily and often and you love it when others laugh along with you. You've got this crazy fake laugh that you do (you sound like the Count on Sesame Street..."ah, ah, ah") when you want to make someone laugh. It works every time! You're simply amazing. I think that I will remember this year for all the accomplishments you've had, but also for all the traveling we've done. We've been to Canada, Paris (with a stopover in Iceland), California, Disney World, and North Carolina. And let's just say it like it is...you are an amazing traveler. Daddy and I always smile to ourselves when people get on a plane and see you. It's always the same thing. They reassure us that they've traveled with a child before so they're prepared. Either that or they just eye us with that look that says "Oh man. We're in for it now". No one yet has been prepared for you, however. I can't count the number of people who tell us at the end of the flight what a great job you did on the flight or how wonderful you were. And we always smile and say, "yes, he is wonderful." I can't get over the wonder you are. Everyone who meets you and knows you sees what a sweet spirit you have. You love to snuggle and give kisses to people you love. The sweetest part of my day is when you are just waking up. You look up over the end of your crib and smile that Joshua sized smile. And when I pick you up, you curl your body around me, put your head on my shoulder, give me a squeeze and pat my cheek. Then you sigh this contented little sigh and just stay snuggled for a few more minutes. Oh, I love those moments.
You are so very special, my son. Precious beyond description. My life has been so blessed by each moment you have been in it. I can't wait to see what the next year brings for you. Happy Birthday, my little bug.
Today Joshua and I went out to have lunch with Ben. I wish I could capture the look on Joshua's face when he sees Ben walk up to the car...it's priceless. It's kind of like this...imagine you're 5 years old and you asked for The Wiggles to play at your birthday party. Did I just lose some of you? Ok...try this. Imagine you're 32 and you asked for U2 to show up at your birthday party. The Wiggles are the 5 year old's version of U2. :) Back on track? Good. Ok, so you wake up on the morning of your birthday, run outside, and there they are! Setting up a stage in your back yard! Security is roping off the streets and they are there to play a private concert just for you!!! That look that would be on your face? THAT'S the look on Josh's face when he sees daddy. Seriously. He shakes all over he's so excited.
Ok, so back to my story. So after we have lunch with Ben, we take him back to his office and drop him off. Remember how excited Josh was to see daddy? Can you imagine how he reacts when daddy gets out of the car? Oh. My. Gosh. My heart breaks in two when I hear Joshua cry that cry. There are always tears and wailing and lots of screaming coming from my back seat when we pull away from the office. :( So after the tears subside and there's only the little occasional sniffle and *hic* coming from the back seat, I looked in my rear view mirror, reached back there and patted him on the head and said, "Daddy will be home soon, Josh. And Mama's still here! Aren't I good enough for now?"
And my sweet, sweet boy smiled at me through the tears. He smiled a sort of sad smile, reached up and touched my hand....and shook his head to say "no".
I know I haven't posted in quite a while. The reason for that is that I feel awful. All the time. The only thing that seems to agree with me are iced decaf vanilla lattes. Hey, at least I'm getting my calcium in, right? :) We have an ultrasound tomorrow morning to check on Bean2, and I'll be sure to post pics tomorrow.
I wanted to share a quick video of Joshua with you....
He was so proud of himself! :) And we are incredibly proud of him too. His therapist isn't helping him walk, she's using her feet to prevent him from crossing his ankles/legs when he steps. All that movement is all him. This kid is going to run in no time. :)
Another thing that I'm proud to be able to share with you is that our newest niece was born today!!! Joselyn Aurora Rivera arrived at 11:43am, weighing in at 7 lbs, 9 oz and is a healthy 21 inches long. Both mama and baby are doing well. Josie looks beautiful from the blurry camera phone picture I got...and I can't wait to get more. :) We're heading down to NC on Saturday to spend time with our newest family member...I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!
Joshua is really excited. He has some big news to share......sometime around September 6th, he's going to be a... ...Isn't that exciting? Joshua certainly thinks so. :)
I haven't been updating because our computer is ever so close to dying due to me stuffing it too full. :( I have less than 4GB of memory left on the computer, and one picture takes up around 4GB. See the dilemma? Now, if all of my faithful blog readers want to get together and buy me a 4TB hard drive, I'll be happy to post as many pictures as you want. :) No? Ok then. Until I get a new hard drive (or find a way to put my pictures somewhere else)...these few pictures will have to do.
Joshua loves to laugh. And it's really easy to make him laugh! A sound (his favorite is a big, loud CHHHH...like a crashing cymbal), or a big bang, or anything that surprises him makes him laugh. Today, I clapped my hands and he started laughing. And I'm not talking about a giggle. I'm talking all out, go completely silent and shake kind of laughing. At least once a day, he has a gigglefest. I've tried to catch it on video before, but he always gets destracted by the camera. So yesterday, I went undercover. We're talking covert ops, people. Ok...really I just put the camera on the desk and then pressed record once he got going really good. :) They say that laughing can add years to your life. If that is the case, Joshua is going to live until he's about 200!
Both my sisters and their families came for Thanksgiving this year (minus my dad and Carol, of course. If they had been here it would've been even more awesome!). Gina, David & Elise flew in from CA, Jodi & Jay flew up from NC. It was wonderful.
Elise and Joshua are polar opposites. If something scares Elise, it's bound to make Josh laugh. Elise takes a while (like a week!) to warm up to people, Josh will go to anyone anytime anywhere. Elise is a bundle of energy and can't sit still, Joshua is content to be snuggled and just stay in one place. The one thing they share though, is how unbelievably adorable they both are!
Did I mention how skittish Elise is around new people? Even Joshua (who doesn't talk) is too much for her sometimes. :) Although maybe it was the slightly crazy look on Josh's face that set her off...
Thanksgiving was a huge success. Food, food, food and then we ate some more! Aunties Jodi and Gina helped make some delicious mashed potatoes...
...and Nana outdid herself with the turkey! There was lots of snuggle time......and Josh and Elise both got to know their newest cousin, Joselyn (due Feb. 19!!!).And seriously...couldn't you just eat her up?!?! While everyone was here, we had a baby shower for Joselyn......and a birthday party for Elise (it was her first!!!). Joshua got all dressed up for Elise's birthday and spent a bunch of time in the gait trainer... ...and eventually, Elise warmed up enough to play with him!She even shared her cup with him! Of course Josh thought it was a game, so he promptly threw it on the ground. Elise patiently picked it up and handed it back. And Josh threw it down. After a few rounds of "throw the cup", Elise got fed up and stopped sharing. :)
And have I mentioned how edible she is?!
Oh, I could just eat her up. Except that would probably make her cry. :)
The weather here has been beautiful for the last few days (today it's supposed to be near 70!) so we took the opportunity to take Joshua out for a little walk in the driveway. :) Take a look! We also made sure to take the time to play with the leaves that have covered our yard.
Joshua really liked it when Nana took him for a spin (seriously, she picked up a good amount of speed!) around the yard to crunch all those leaves under the wheels of his gait trainer! Oh, one more thing. Have you ever wondered what could possibly make a little boy laugh so hard that he'd fall off a bench? Well, here's your answer. :)
to a little boy who weighs 25 lbs and is 32 inches tall! 
I'll just leave it at this..."Lightning" was one of your first words this year! You love cars. Any piece of metal with a motor, any make, any model (although you prefer trucks, school buses, and race/vintage cars), gets your motor running. Just hearing the sound of an engine makes you clap and giggle. The most exciting part of your day is after naptime when you get up and we watch for daddy out the window. You watch all the cars going by and scream when you see one you like. The biggest reaction comes when you finally see daddy. You can identify his truck (I'm still not sure how) before it even gets to the driveway! For you, daddy is more important than Lightning, Mater, and all the schoolbuses in the world. 
...sometime around September 6th, he's going to be a...
...and Josh and Elise both got to know their newest cousin, Joselyn (due Feb. 19!!!).
And seriously...couldn't you just eat her up?!?!
...and a birthday party for Elise (it was her first!!!).
...and eventually, Elise warmed up enough to play with him!
She even shared her cup with him! 
Of course Josh thought it was a game, so he promptly threw it on the ground. Elise patiently picked it up and handed it back. And Josh threw it down. After a few rounds of "throw the cup", Elise got fed up and stopped sharing. :) 
