Halfway There

I haven't been writing or posting lately and apparently people are starting to notice. And by people, I mean my sisters and Joshua's honorary auntie. A certain honorary auntie totally called me out on Facebook for not posting! And a few weeks ago, my sister told me that I was a terrible blogger because I don't post often anymore. *sigh*

The real reason I haven't been writing lately though isn't because I don't have cute pictures of Joshua to show you or wonderful things to tell you....it's because whenever I started writing a post it ended up coming out like this...

"Aaaahhhhhh! What in the world am I doing? What are we going to do with another one?!"

...and that's all I can think to say so I end up crying. So rather than swearing off blogging for the next many months, I'm just going to get it out. And it won't be pretty. It's taken me three weeks to write this post, I've stopped and started again so many times. But I think it's something I'm just going to have to get out, so if you're just here for the pictures, better come back another day, because this post is going to be heavy and there aren't any pictures!

This pregnancy has been difficult for me. Not only because I wasn't feeling well for so long, but because it has wrecked me emotionally. I feel like I'm betraying Joshua. And at the same time, I feel like I'm betraying our second son. I was so excited about Joshua. Every move, every wiggle, everytime I got to hear his heartbeat I was on top of the world. I blogged about every appointment, every milestone, everything. With this baby, I haven't even formally blogged about the fact that he's a boy! And after wondering if we would ever have one child and then being blessed with Joshua, you would think that to be blessed with a second child, a second son!, would thrill me. But I'm seriously starting to panic. I panicked when I found out I was pregnant with this baby, and I haven't stopped panicking yet. I've had moments when I get excited about the new baby, but those are fleeting. For the most part, I'm terrified.

How am I going to do this? How am I going to handle a newborn and a two and a half year old who moves like a six month old but thinks like a two year old? How am I going to go grocery shopping? How am I going to get them into the car? How am I going to get them out of the car? How am I going to be able to handle therapy four days a week and get up during the night to nurse? How am I going to be able to do therapy 'homework' with Joshua to make sure he is still progressing when I have to rock, nurse & hold another little boy? How am I going to handle two children who get sick? How am I going to make it to all of Joshua's specialist appointments to check on braces and splints? How am I going to give Joshua all the attention he needs and deserves and still keep this other baby alive? How am I going to give the new baby all the attention he needs and deserves and still make Joshua feel included? How am I going to be able to explain to Joshua why mommy and daddy are too tired to play? Or why he has to wait so I can feed his brother? Is Joshua going to be able to understand that this little squalling thing is here to stay? Is he going to understand why he has to share the spotlight? Is Joshua going to feel left out or resentful? Am I going to resent this new baby for doing things and progressing at a rate Joshua can't? Is the new baby going to be able to understand why Josh needs more help and attention sometimes? Is Joshua going to be able to sleep at night through the crying? What if our new baby has an impatient personality and won't wait to eat or be held? What if the new baby has colic and just cries? I'll stop there, but the questions don't. They never stop.

I thought I had made peace with Joshua's diagnosis. I thought I had come to terms with what his future looks like. And now I find myself awake at night with one thought...what if it happens again? I know, KNOW, that a primary infection of CMV impacts pregnancy, and the chances of having a second child with CMV are so slim it's almost like there's no chance. Plenty of other CMV mommies have gone on to have beautiful, healthy, typically developing children. But what if I don't? I feel like I can't quite let myself love this baby just yet because I could be gearing up for war all over again.

And truthfully, as scary as having a second child with issues is, the prospect of having a typically developing child is just as daunting as thinking about having a second child with special needs. My heart is going to break when Joshua sees his brother doing things with ease that he struggles to do. It is going to kill me to tell Josh that he can't be on the same t-ball team as his brother because of his disability. I want to watch my boys play together, not watch as one of them breezes through challenges and the other struggles with what should be an easy task. Am I going to have to watch our youngest learn to pull up and walk when his older brother has been trying to lean that very task for months or even years?

And yet, I can't stop myself from getting excited when I hear the baby's heartbeat at the doctors office or when he kicks and rolls around inside of me. I can't help but look at the ultrasound pictures on my fridge and wonder about him. What will he be when he grows up? What similarities will he share with his brother? Will he look similar? Will he have Joshua's easy smile and giggle? Will they share that wonderful laid back personality that is such a blessing to us? Whether I thought I was ready or not, whether Ben is ready or not, whether Joshua is ready or not, this baby is going to change our lives. And I think I'm learning to let go of the questions and the fears and just be open to that change. I'm halfway there.

So without making you wait any longer, let me introduce our son to you! This is Caleb...

His name means "brave, bold and faithful" and we decided that it will be a perfect blessing for him. We pray that he will grow up brave and bold, and that he will be a faithful friend and brother and support for Joshua.

There. It's out. And I'm sure it's not the end of my doubts or fears, I'll do my best to keep blogging. I'll post more later this week...with more pictures! I forgot my camera at my sister in law's house yesterday and I can't even show you the wonderful pictures I took yesterday. But they're worth the wait. :)